In the month or two leading up to birth, I was getting increasingly fearful of the birth experience and especially the hospital experience during quarantine. I feared having another c-section, not having good support from medical staff in the hospital, not having my desires heard or met, not having my mom and sister there like I had wanted on my support team during labor, my husband not being able to get off work on time, and basically just feeling alone.
I also had to address some of my fears left over from my previous c-section. 11 years ago, and in a small town hospital, they were not as forward thinking as they are now about promoting the bonding between mom and baby after a c-section. With my first delivery, my baby was brought to me for a minute and my husband held him up to my cheek and I kissed him, but couldn’t hold him. They then took him to the nursery, my husband left me to go be with him and held him through the rest of my surgery and my time spent in the recovery room, during which time I asked if I could have my baby yet and the nurse told me I wasn’t allowed yet, because she was supposed to have a certain amount of time with me checking me over. I couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t be able to hold him while she did so. Finally some time later a lactation consultant came in to teach me how to feed him for the first time and I said I hadn’t even gotten to hold him yet and didn’t know where he was. She was surprised and said she’d go find him. She brought him back with her along with my husband and I finally got to hold him and try to nurse him, which didn’t go very well because we missed that opportunity when he was rooting around right after birth and had already become very sleepy since it had been a few hours since he was born. I was lead to believe that they had to monitor his health because they had been a little worried about him before he was born, but after looking back at events, I learned that he came out perfectly healthy. They even gave him a bath during that time. They don’t give sick babies bath first thing. They don’t even bathe babies for at least 24 hours now either. So they had made me feel like I couldn’t have him for health reasons and as it turned out, he was completely fine. I’m so glad things aren’t this way anymore. I think that hospital was behind the time in things, especially after talking to other people about their experiences there.
With this being my experience of that post birth bonding, I really longed for a vaginal birth and for the immediate bonding experience right after. I wasn’t afraid of the actual surgery, but feared the baby being taken from me again. I was assured by my midwife that the baby wouldn’t leave the room if I were to have another c-section and that I would be able to hold him on the operating table. We would still try for a vaginal birth though. I realized that I had developed a fear of hospitals and felt like the medical staff just doesn’t really care about the experiences of the patients, or really listen. I was nervous about laboring without the support of my mom and sister. They both happen to work in the maternity center, but with the pandemic going on, they wouldn’t be able to be with me unless they were on shift. My sister is a surgical tech in the c-section OR working nights, and my mom is a CNA in the postpartum side.
I wrote out a list of all the fears I was struggling with and prayed for peace about them. Next to each fear I wrote the antidote to that fear or how to feel better about it. Faith and trust were the recurring themes. I was also inspired with the thought that my fears were of this world and that I was going to a higher place to bring my baby earth side. I needed to leave my fears behind where they belonged and take the hand of my Savior as He journeyed with me to retrieve my baby from across the veil. As the time drew closer, I felt my fears lift as I turned my trust and faith over to Him.
At 2 am the morning of May 13th, I woke as I felt a sudden pop like a cork popping, and I realized soon after that it was my plug coming out. Contractions started after that and I couldn’t get back to sleep because of them. As soon as my husband woke up at 5:30 for work I told him I was having contractions and his face lit up with excitement. He went in to work to get things started for the day and explain what was going on while I stayed home and showered and then lay back down. I think the shower relaxed me a little too much, because by the time he got back home around 9, the contractions had slowed to a near stop. My mom came over and brought me my favorite treat of chocolate dipped strawberries and coached my through as contractions started up again around 10. At around 10:30 I felt a gush of fluid run down my legs and I assumed I just peed my pants, although I think I was in denial, because it kept leaking little by little the rest of the day. I finally admitted it must have been my water breaking. My contractions were still not very close together though, about 10-15 minutes apart, sometimes 7. This was my first time going through labor, having had a scheduled c-section before, but knowing we were attempting a VBAC I couldn’t wait forever to go in. I was still a little nervous about hospitals and wanted to labor at home as long as I could. I kept trying to get them to come closer together by walking around, but still they seemed to just not be picking up. My mom took some last minute portraits of my pregnant belly, some shots that I had still wanted to get.
My mom got a surprise request from her manager asking if she could come in from 7pm through midnight that evening! We already knew my sister would be there for her scheduled night shift starting at 7 and it felt like God’s hand was already showing itself. My mom and my sister, Krista, would be at the hospital that night! It felt like he would be born that evening, I just had to get these contractions moving!
My husband gave me a blessing, which is like a prayer over me, of peace and comfort, promising me that God was aware of me and that He wanted me to know that I was loved and cared for. Of course the tears flowed, because this is the reassurance I was needing to feel.
My mom took the kids home with her at around 2 and we went to Target to walk around a bit and get a nightgown for me to wear in postpartum. My sister called and said she had food for me and delivered take out to us at my house with what she knew I was craving, steak! It did me so good, I was craving protein and needed the energy for the upcoming day and night. I thought we’d leave for the hospital after that, but then the contractions slowed almost to a stop once again. My husband took a nap and I had a sweet time to pray and feel spiritually ready for meeting my baby soon. The contractions were still not coming on very strong or very close, I was unsure what to do. My midwife had said to come in when I couldn’t talk through the contractions and I still could even though they were painful, but they still didn’t seem consistent enough at around 10 -15 or 20 minutes apart. I walked around the backyard, and labored in my room too. Swaying, standing and movement really helped, and having the house quiet helped too. It felt so peaceful as the afternoon sun dipped down to evening sun. The time seemed to go by quickly as I kept track of my contractions. They would come on fairly strong and then the relief that followed after seemed all too short (but still not short enough) that time was playing tricks on me. I knew I wanted to get to the hospital soon and thought we’d leave the house around 6, but before I knew it time had passed and we ended up getting to the hospital just before 8. I had really intended on getting there sooner, but contractions did physically slow me down. As we walked into labor and delivery, the most beautiful sight met me, my mom and sister waiting for me at the desk!
They brought me to my room and got me settled. Just what I needed. With all the fears that I had, God put the two people there that I wanted and had grieved over not being able to have. It was like a sign, God showed me that He knows me and is aware of my desires and concerns. Yes He taught me to have faith in and be able to rely on only Him, but also poured out a blessing to show me he cares about what I want too. In our LDS scripture, the Doctrine and Covenants, there is a verse that has given me much comfort through my hardest trials. “And whose receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” D&C 84:88. I had no need to fear, God prepared the way and sent angels to surround me and bear me up, starting with my husband who was given the day off, my mom and sister miraculously both there for me and as I would soon learn, great medical staff. God truly gave me the strength and support I needed that day. I also wore my rainbow necklace to remind me of my strength in Christ, the source of true joy, peace and rest through the storms of life. I knew He was there with me, through each contraction, He would be the one to walk with me through this journey, the one who truly knows our pain, the one who is the giver of life.
I got changed and hooked up to an IV and monitors, and was immediately glad I had labored at home because I really didn’t like being hooked up and told to lay in the bed. The contractions were definitely more painful lying on my back, plus they seemed to be stronger now and I was looking forward to getting an epidural. It had been 18 hours since contractions had first started. The nurse checked me and I was at a 4, pretty disappointing after 18 hours! She verified that my water had broken with a test that they do. After a handful of contractions the midwife came in, she wasn’t my regular midwife, but the one on call at the hospital that night, and she was fabulous, I knew I was in good hands. She said the baby’s heart rate was dropping after each contraction so she wanted to try some different things. First she had me try rolling onto my right side for a contraction and then my left. When that didn’t help a whole lot she had a catheter inserted into my uterus that would sit between the baby and the uterine wall and would better read the strength of the contractions and the baby’s heart rate. So she did that and she also had me try getting on my hands and knees to see if that helped, the baby seemed to like that position so I stayed there for quite a while, time seemed to slip away quickly again. My husband got up on the bed with me, lying on his side with his arm draped across the back of the inclined bed so I could lean into him and his arm, which I really appreciated. My mom and sister were able to pop in and out of the room as they went about their other tasks. I was so grateful they were there waiting in the wings and frequent support, and so grateful to have my husband there to lean in to.
The midwife stayed almost the whole time as well, rubbing my back and giving counter pressure on my hips. She said that if the baby’s heart rate didn’t start evening out, we were looking at having a c-section. She said the way the heart rate starting dipping on the monitor indicated a compressed umbilical cord, so she wanted to try another intervention, which was to fill the uterus back up with water through the catheter to replace what I had lost. This would cushion the umbilical chord and hopefully get his heart rate to quit dropping. So after they did that we waited for another couple of contractions to happen. They left us alone for a few minutes and we talked about the possibility of having a c-section and Mark asked if I would be ok with it. It really wasn’t what I had hoped the day would turn out as, but I knew we had to put the baby’s health first, something I had learned with my first baby. It really doesn’t matter what experience I’m hoping to have as long as the baby is safe. I believe pregnancy and labor is the first test of becoming a mother. Are you willing to sacrifice your own comforts and desires in order to bring a baby safely in this world? Are you really willing to put them first before yourself? This is the test I’ve been faced with multiple times and I hope that each time I can easily say yes!
So during a hard contraction as we watched the monitor and saw the heart rate drop even more, even with this intervention, I knew that I would be having a c-section. The midwife came in and checked me again and I had only increased to a 5 after a few hours of intense contractions. The hospitalist doctor and the midwife came in to tell me they had decided we needed to get the baby out soon via c-section. They said that if I was at an 8, they would try to get him here vaginally, but with so much more to progress and with it not happening very quickly, they didn’t want to continue to put him under stress. Of course I was ok with it, but it still was something I needed to process and allow myself to feel the emotion of. My mom came in at that moment and heard the news and gave me the look that maybe only a mother can give of complete empathy as she knew my heart and feelings. She got a little teary and then so did I as the realization came down on me. I would have to face the recovery, I wouldn’t have that immediate skin to skin moment of bonding I wanted, I wouldn’t be able to see him come out, I wouldn’t be able to push him out myself, I would have to stay in the hospital longer and my other kids wouldn’t be able to meet him as soon. My mom hugged me, and for that one moment, I knew God had placed her there just for me to get through that news and have the comfort I needed to accept it. Mark hugged me too and asked if I was excited, we would get to meet our baby very soon! He got gowned up and I was put in a wheelchair and hurried into the operating room. I wanted to ask the nurse to slow down with the wheelchair, because I was having another contraction, but I also felt the sense of urgency and realized they were all going faster now for a reason. They had asked me how I felt about my sister being in the surgery as a surgical tech, and I had said it would be a blessing. However, family members are not allowed to be in on the surgeries of other family members, so they took her off the case but allowed her to stay in the room. What a miracle that was! My husband gave her my camera and just before I got the spinal block, I set the settings on the camera and did a couple test shots. Krista held my hand for a bit and then Mark got there, he had to wait in the hallway while they prepped me, which was hard for him since he works as a nurse in surgery in the same hospital, he was not used to not being allowed in.
Right as the Dr. put in the spinal block, the water that they had put in me gushed out, it felt like a bucket being dumped over and I had no control of it. It gushed all of the operating table and floor. No big deal, they said, and then I was on my back and the drapes were being hung as they started cleaning off my tummy. I could again feel the sense of great urgency that had not been there with my first c-section. Mark got there and I was so grateful, I was nervous wondering why he wasn’t there yet. I did not expect this time around how I would feel after having already gone through labor, I expected to feel immediate relief. There wasn’t any pain, but my body was still laboring hormonally, which caused me to shiver and shake pretty hard. It was uncomfortable and unnerving. I could tell by how they were moving my body around too that they were in a hurry, it’s weird how you can feel pressure, tugging and pulling, but not pain. I could even tell the position my legs were in, but I couldn’t feel them.
I remembered my sister describing how she got to be the 1st assist one time in a c-section and how she got to be the one to push the baby out from the top of the belly. So when I could feel that pressure at the top of my belly, I knew he was about to arrive. It happened so quick, I wasn’t expecting that. It had only been a few minutes and suddenly there was his cry! What a beautiful sound! The first sign that I knew he was born. I didn’t get to see him come into the world, but his cry told me he was here. I burst into tears, he was here! It seemed that the heavens opened up and I knew that angels were there to accompany him to earth. I believe those angels are our ancestors, escorting their grandchild across the veil, easing their fears as they start this new journey, preparing them for what lies ahead in this world. I could see through the clear window in the drape, Mark held my head up so I could see in further, but all I could see was a little foot sticking up. I had requested delayed cord clamping, so they laid him on my legs for I think 30 seconds before cutting the cord. They wiped him and sucked him out during that time too. Right after it was cut, the midwife, who was 1st assisting on this, held him up to the window for me to see and again I burst into tears at the first sight of my little angel. His official birth time was 11:59 pm on May 13! I couldn’t believe we cut it so close! 1 minute from his due date. My sister was so excited by it, because her birthday is also a 13th birthday. It seemed like he was just supposed to be born on the 13th. He was 6 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 inches long. Sorry if these pictures are gross for you just scroll past. I love that through these pictures I do get to see his entrance into the world.
He was brought to the warming table where they checked him out, making sure his oxygen levels were normal since he had been struggling. Mark got to cut the cord a little shorter, (they probably just do this for ritual’s sake so the dads can be involved). I love that my sister was able to take these pictures. it means so much to me to be able to see Mark’s reaction to seeing his baby for the first time.
He was finally brought to me after a few more minutes, his sweet little velvety cheek placed right on mine, the sweetest skin to skin moment even if it was just our faces touching at first. I couldn’t stop stroking his cheek with my hand, it was angel soft. I couldn’t quite see his features since our faces were so close, but I could see extremely blonde eye brows and a cleft chin. Again, I’m so extremely grateful for these photos, because I couldn’t see my husband’s reaction above me either, I don’t even remember his hand being on the baby. These photos are so tender and sacred to me. When I think of this moment now, I feel like we were on a cloud, hovering between heaven and earth. 
After several minutes he started rooting around with his mouth. My mama instinct kicked in, and since I had had to deny my first born his first meal right after birth when he was searching for it, I did not want to repeat that. I had heard of women breastfeeding on the operating table and I didn’t even ask anyone if it was ok. I just pulled my gown down, yanking on it to pop open the buttons, and guided him to my breast, he being face down on top of me it was a little awkward, but not as hard as I thought it would be, he found it and latched on without a problem. He sucked there for probably 10 minutes. The nurses came over and saw and couldn’t believe it.
They finally took him from me for a few minutes as the surgery wrapped up. I felt suddenly so shaky again. Mark held my hands and arms in a half hug and that helped. They lifted me onto my recovery bed and I got to hold the baby as we were pushed out of the operating room. I was so grateful that he was never taken out of the room from me.
This photo is an accurate depiction of how I felt afterwards, like I had been hit by a truck. I laughed at my sister for taking this, but she reminded me how I always say I like to document how things really are, not how we wish they would look. So here’s an honest look at the immediate postpartum mom. I never was going to be one of those moms with perfect hair and make up after birth. This shows how hard I fought to get him here, I battled for him, not just during labor and pregnancy, but during the past 11.5 years of infertility and 9 years since we adopted our second son. I have battled to get each of my kids here. This is me realizing my dream, reaching the top of my Mount Everest, feeling the victory and seeing that amazing view. My hard earned view.
By the time we got to our room it was 2 am. My mom and sister had another surprise for me, they had prepped my room, with gifts and decorations including a poster signed by my whole family with cheerful congratulations. While I had labored all day, my sister had run around town getting everyone to sign it, then brought me food and then went to work to start her night shift! What a busy girl working her butt off to serve me! Then my mom was there for me all day, took my kids and then went to work that evening too! The fact that they were able to be there for me during this pandemic was nothing short of a miracle! I felt God saying to me through this that He is above this pandemic, He is in control if we trust Him. I had turned my trust over to Him and He provided the miracle. I knew I could have done it without them, but I feel like it was more a sign from God that He is aware of me and loves me. I had never felt more seen and loved by Him.
I was dead tired, but for the life of me I could not sleep! I think I was still running high on adrenaline, hormones and probably a little bit of shock. I was sweating bullets and my face was terribly itchy, side effects from the anesthesia wearing off. I couldn’t get comfortable and I was still attached to several tubes and things. Plus nurses came in every couple of hours to check our vitals and I needed to feed the baby. My mind was racing thinking about everything that had happened, soaking in the good moments and churning over the thoughts of doubt, wondering if I should have done things differently. If I should have come into the hospital sooner. I was so worried that I had possibly caused him additional stress by not coming in sooner. If his heart rate was dropping as soon as I had come in, it probably had been for hours. I couldn’t let go of this guilt and it was the predominate thought in my mind all night long, when I should have just been full of joy. And then I felt guilt about not feeling like I wanted to. In the morning I told Mark my feelings through many tears and he reassured me we came in right when we were supposed to, that the baby was just fine and to not worry over it. It took a couple weeks, but I finally was able to accept that and realize that those feelings of anxiety were probably very influenced by postpartum hormones. I felt extremely grateful to bring a healthy baby home, so those thoughts finally won out and helped me feel better. I know that c-sections are a modern day miracle and so many babies are saved because of them. They get a bad reputation, but they really are life saving.
In the morning we officially decided on Finnley Joel Jensen. I knew I wanted Finnley, it was really just getting Mark to agree. Maybe watching me bring a baby into the world finally pushed him to agree with me. Finnley means “fair haired courageous one,” being born with fair hair and with a courageous spirit to come at this time in history, it felt just right for him. I had told Mark I wanted to name his middle name Jo, after my middle name which is Jolyn. I felt a powerful sense of claim to this baby. I always have liked family names, but I didn’t want to give him anyone else’s name but mine. It was my struggle, grief and work that brought him here and I didn’t feel like giving anyone else the credit, except maybe God. I’m sure we had help from our angel ancestors too, but I just really felt he should have my name. He and I were connected across the universe. I’ve felt his nudges urging me to keep trying to get him here for many years. I felt I already knew him. Mark felt like “Jo” was a little too feminine though and suggested “Joel,” to me that night he was born, which means “God be willing.” That just seemed like the perfect tribute, knowing it wasn’t all about me, but a partnership with God to bring him here. My endurance in never giving up hope that there was another baby for us, and God’s grace and will. I had to trust Him for many years, trusting His timetable, trusting the promptings as He lead us through each stage of our infertility and adoption journeys as our family was built. I knew it was God’s will that He should come into the world when he did, it is part of His name now, and that will always give me reassurance of God’s plan for us.
My mom brought the older boys and my niece to see the baby through the hospital window. My niece was so sweet, she was in tears to see her new cousin. It was pretty sad for all of us to not be able to let them hold him for the first three days of his life while I was in the hospital. The moment was full of joy and heartbreak at the same time. My kids were feeling very homesick for us and wanting to be a part of this new adventure. Bringing a baby into the family looked much different than I had planned.
My sister worked the nights we were there. I would text her when I was up feeding the baby and she would come chat with me for a bit and get to hold Finnley. She took these pictures with me in them one of the evenings. She did such a great job!
My sister was able to be the one to give Finnley his first bath too! So many good things kept unfolding.
My mom got to be there for a shift on our last day and did our discharge that day. She got to a part of getting us ready to go and bringing Finnley out to the car in his car seat.
Getting ready to go home in his going home outfit. He really didn’t like getting dressed!
Thank you for reading through to the end!
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